In church there are probably many people who are curious and have wondered how my son, Jaeson, came to be. Or there are probably people who know fragments but do not know the whole story. These discrepancies are mostly my fault. I’ve found it hard to trust people because there were some people, whether church members or non-Christians, who had hurt me in the past. So, I became guarded and would tell different versions or pieces of my story depending on who I was talking to. But praise God that the me now has been transformed and healed by Jesus’ unending love, so I am finally able to share my complete and unedited story with you.

Many who do not know me, may see Jaeson and me together and think that I have a happy family with a supportive husband. But it is really only because of Jesus’ love that I am so joyful. When people ask now, I can joyfully and frankly share with them about God’s work in my life. God also brought many connections in my life through my story – I was even asked by a local campus missionary to present our testimony or record a video of it. Now, I think it’s finally time to share my story in person.

My self-esteem used to be very low. I dated non-Christians and I felt like I wasn’t worthy of dating a godly Christian man. One particular relationship of mine lasted around 1 or 2 years. This guy sent mixed signals to me all the time and he also was very flirty with other girls, the combination of which led to us breaking up and getting back together many times. I was very immature at that time, so out of pettiness I resorted to using his own methods to get revenge. But somehow it always ended with us making up in bed. Afterwards there would be a long period of peace. However, one day on MSN, a girl I didn’t know IMed me and we talked for a long time. The main thing she ended up telling me was “I know of you even though you don’t know me. I’ve been with your boyfriend for over half a year now.” (And this had all happened during our period of “peace”.) Yet, I wanted to rebuild trust with my boyfriend so I would still pray that God would work justice and mercy over all the secrets for the sake of our relationship.

At the time, we were kind of living together. I say ‘kind of’ because he would only stay at my place during the weekends. But the truth is he was staying with that other girl for the rest of the week. And as if that wasn’t degrading enough, she had lived at his house before and met his family, where as I had never had that privilege. Originally I foolishly thought that I could be counted as the primary girlfriend with her below me as secondary, but I later realized that those roles were switched. In this complicated situation, he asked to break up because his other girl was pregnant and he wanted to take responsibility. (Yet, in the end this baby was still aborted.) Confused, I asked him to explain. He said he already told me before but I didn’t believe him. So I asked him how he told me. He told me that a while ago he had said sarcastically he was at another girl’s place. I remembered that, but at the time I thought he was kidding. It turns out he really was telling the truth. So in his eyes, he concluded that he never lied to me about it, I just refused to believe him.

When I told other sisters and older leaders about my situation they all told me to break up with him because he didn’t really love me. After talking to them, I would consider it but I’d never be able to go through with it. At the time, I didn’t understand the reason for my hesitation. I knew he didn’t treat me well and yet I still loved him a lot. I couldn’t break up with him. Now I realize that it was because of the emotional bond I had developed because of my sexual relationship with him. I thought that I would end up marrying this boy, so when we finally did break up, in my pain, I vowed to stay single for life.

With my broken heart and my resolve not to marry or let anyone come that close to me again, I carried on. Yet, I would often hear a small voice in my heart, “There’s no need to commit to or wait for anyone. Even though I’m a Christian, I’ve decided not to marry, so why can’t I just play around and have some fun? Men have played me before, so why can’t I play them?” So I gave up on preserving myself and my purity because I already had sex with my ex – I figured it would be no different with other men. Used goods are forever used goods, a broken item is forever broken – there’s no way these can be made new again. I started to live for sex because I craved the false intimacy it created. I felt chained to my addiction. I would date non-Christians, lying to myself that I was trying to bring them to Christ but in reality, I wasn’t truly loving them – I was only using them for the love and sex they offered. I was terrified of being alone.

I think it was around June of 2004 after we broke up, that I started to play around. During this time, I was living a double life. On one hand, I was serving in the dance ministry, but outside of church, I lived a hellish life – going to the clubs and bars every night. I’d go online to search for men. I was addicted to sex to the point where if I didn’t have sex for one day, it’d be painful. It was like a drug to me and even though I hated it, hated myself, I couldn’t stop. It got so bad that I would often think, “I wish someone on the streets would just come attack me so that it saves me the trouble of slowly destroying myself this way.” Thank God that the Lord did not allow this even though I was approached multiple times on the streets and asked if I was for hire. I knew all along that I was living a wrong lifestyle. I was always aware of Jesus sitting by my side watching over me and yet, I willingly rebelled against Him. Foolishly, I wanted to show Him that He could not save someone as wretched as me. Even though my heart was like this and even though I kept pushing Him away, He still stayed and never said a word. Lovingly, He still told me the same thing over and over, “Daughter, I still love you.”

During this period, I was taking contraception pills so for a long time, my periods were very irregular. Often it would come once every two or three months or many times in one month. I had slept with many different people now and taken part in any and all sorts of sexual acts. I prostituted myself, bargained sex for material things - I didn’t care what the other person wanted from me as long as I got what I wanted from him. My lifestyle also included porn, sex games, cybersex, and phone sex. I would lie to my mom, saying that I was going to church activities. (As a result of this, for a long time, my mom was unable to trust me. But thank God that He has healed our relationship so that it’s no longer like it was then.)

My attitude toward Jesus was that if I was to be good, I’d have to be good all the way through. And if I was to be bad, I’d be bad all the way through. I told God blatantly, “I’m already like a demon – You can’t save me.” Even though He kept telling me that He still loved me, I didn’t believe it. Half a year passed in this fashion. December came around and I had to prepare for the Christmas performance. However, ever since my birthday in October, I had been throwing up and having diarrhea and constipation. I’d seen many different doctors – urologists, gastroenterologists – I took different medicines but I still wasn’t getting better.

One day, one of my good sisters who wasn’t aware of my other lifestyle, was talking to me during dance practice. She joked around saying, “Have you seen an obstetrician?” Yet, a small joke like that reminded me that even though I had been faithful with all the contraceptive methods, the possibility of pregnancy remained. The seed of doubt was sown. I went to buy many different brands of pregnancy sticks. But no matter how many times I redid the test, the result was the same – two condemning lines. I grew more and more dismayed.
Finally, I had no choice but to actually go to the obstetrician. “You really are carrying a child.” he said. “And it’s already 3 months old.” It was December at that time. I remembered in high school promising myself that if someday I were to get pregnant, I would never abort the baby. But, in the heat of the moment, this definitely was not my first thought. It was like when Peter denied the Lord 3 times – I could only think about myself.

It was only then that I discovered how weak I truly was. My “bad to the core” attitude was still there.
“If I die, then I die. Going to hell doesn’t matter. Who cares! I’m going to get rid of this baby. I’ll borrow money for the procedure if I have to.” I was so set in my decision that I even told my good friend, “Even if Kong Hee and Sun Ho fly all the way here from Singapore to plead with me, I won’t be moved. I’m still going to follow through with this.” (That is to say, if these two important friends couldn’t even sway me, nobody else really could either.)
On December 22nd I made an appointment at the abortion clinic for the 26th. I had a performance on the 24th and 25th. On the 24th, I was at the New York, New York mall in Taipei. Two of my friends, Maria and Amy, asked if they could speak to me half an hour before the show. I agreed but told myself as I went with them, “I must not be moved. They don’t have much time to persuade me anyway.

I must stick to my decision.” Because the sermon went a little long, we were only left with 15 minutes to talk. This made me happy because there was even less time for them to try and persuade me. They brought up Pastor Jaeson Ma’s testimony. The first time he came, I didn’t recognize him because I was out dallying. Maria spoke of the fact that because I was born, I was able to see the beautiful colors and the beautiful world. I could dance, laugh, wear pretty clothes and do all the things that I loved to do – it was only because I was born and had life that I could do all this. I considered all this, but it didn’t affect me too much because I still felt like the risk of having this baby outweighed all their arguments. When it came time to pray together, my heart was so happy because that meant it was soon over.

Yet, when Amy started to pray, “Jesus, You say you are the way, the truth and the life….” Slowly, I couldn’t hear her anymore. Even now, I can’t remember what she said after that because as soon as I closed my eyes, I felt myself slip into dream-like state. Jesus appeared before me. He asked me, “You said before that even if Kong Hee and Sun Ho were to plead with you, you would not be moved. What about me, then?” At first I was hesitant to answer him, but eventually I just poured out all my questions.

1. I have no job, no money. I have school and credit card debt to pay off. How could I possibly afford raise a baby?
2. What about my mother? People in church – even my friends – they still don’t know. Everyone would scorn me.
3. In the future, who will love me? And even if someone did love me and want to marry me, what would his family and friends think of me – a woman who had a child out of wedlock?
Yet, after I had presented all my protests, Jesus answered me with a single phrase that has been with me ever since. “You only need to do one thing – keep the child. Don’t worry about anything else. I will take care of everything. I will take care of everything. I will take care of everything.” As He repeated this, He slowly faded from my eyes.

Now that He had said He would take care of everything – what other excuses could I have? I came back from the vision to hear Amy pray “In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.” I hadn’t heard a single word of her prayer. They asked me what my decision was. I replied, “Alright then. If I am to have this child, I will name him Jaeson.” At the time, he was only 3 months, so I had no way of knowing whether he was a boy or girl. Everyone asked, “What if it’s a girl? At 3 months, it’s not developed enough to tell!” I said, “God is powerful and I trust that He has given me a boy.” (And in the end, Jaeson was a boy after all.)
The first one I told was my mom. I was so scared – I was afraid she’d kill me when I told her. Even though she’d been a Christian for several years now, I was her eldest child and she had a lot of expectations for me.

So I had better pray hard before I confronted her! “Lord, you said You’d take care of everything. If she yells at me or hits me, I know I won’t be able to stay at home.” Sure enough, the Lord provided. I didn’t even open my mouth or say anything. My mom was a mom – of course she would have seen the signs and understood. She saw me wearing larger and larger shirts and never said a word. But she would often hint, “I’m getting old and bored – all my children are grown up and there’s nobody to keep me company. If only there was another kid – that would be fun!” I would always distractedly reply, “Yeah, yeah, you’re right.” Afterwards, my mom never asked any questions. She would always help me buy maternity clothes and things for the baby. She took care of me very well – cooked me nutritious food and inquired as to whether I’d eaten or slept. The difference in our relationship was huge and I was so thankful.

The first obstacle was overcome. The next was to face the church. I knew myself - I knew that if I didn’t go to church, I’d end up depressed and shut myself off from the world. So I declared to God, “I’m going to stay in this church even with my big belly.” Because I was in dance ministry, many people had seen me before. But, by the grace of God, I didn’t care what they said or thought. Even if they were to stone me or chase me out of church, I decided not to be ashamed of my pregnancy. Slowly, people in the church found out about my baby. They said they admired me and that I was very brave. I knew though that I wasn’t brave at all – in fact I was a coward at heart. I was scared to death and I didn’t even want to take any risks in my life. If it weren’t for Jesus’ words, “I will take care of everything,” I would never have been able to last this long. In this world, nobody is willing to offer one that kind of promise – especially in this kind of circumstance. Who would willingly take responsibility?

I learned this when I called the different men that might be the father of my child. I told each of them that I was pregnant. Every one of them fled, denying responsibility. So, I really had no idea who the father was, even though I really wanted to know. I even asked Jesus in prayer, “Who is the father?” but He would always reply, “You don’t need to ask anymore. I already said this child is mine.” Later, when the due date drew near, I grew a little afraid because I didn’t know who the father was. I feared that when my son was born, he might resemble one man over the other in his character, appearance, personality, etc. I didn’t think I could handle a constant reminder of his father like that. I prayed to God saying, “I know that I’m only human – I’m not capable of such a selfless love, to be able to accept this baby fully. I’m afraid that once the child is born, I’ll blame him for and project my anger toward his father onto him.”
But on July 27th, 2005, 1:19 pm, after over 10 months of pregnancy, I finally gave birth to my baby. When my mom saw him for the first time she was surprised because he looked exactly like me when I was born, save for the gender. Jesus had heard my prayer and had given me a child that resembled me instead of his unknown father. I couldn’t find a single attribute on the baby that would link him to any of the men I had slept with.

At that time, I had to go through a Caesarean section to give birth. I didn’t have the money for the procedure, but the day before I was to be released from the hospital, God moved one of my friends to pay for the bill. Even in this, God was faithful in His promise that He “would take care of everything”!
I’ve decided to put all my trust on Jesus. It’s already been over three years – I can’t believe how big Jaeson is. He’s very healthy and rarely gets sick. I’m mostly a stay at home mom now. The temporary jobs I get at SOHO aren’t very reliable, but I trust God that everything will be provided. My patience and confidence have slowly grown and are still growing even now. I’m learning to become more and more like Jesus every day.

Now that I have my son, I am so content. Jaeson is my precious gift, my blessing, my only inheritance in this world. I am very fortunate and I cherish this child that God has given me. I love him very much and God has used him to redeem my life. I am also grateful that God has given him a blessed life. Many people love him, pamper him, and take care of him. I want to say thank you to all those friends who took care of us before. You really are God’s angels. I’m hoping you will remain in our lives and that you will trust that God hears all of the prayers you’ve prayed on our behalf.
Jehovah will watch over you and multiply the blessings in your life. =)

-Jasmine ??